Living with loss

Loss is an inevitable part of life and the loss of a loved one can be one of the toughest challenges we ever have to face...

The pain of loss and separation is an inevitable part of human life and the loss caused by the death of a loved person is seen as the ultimate pain. A major stress like bereavement disrupts the customary behaviour of the griever. Grief alters both circumstances and plans, imposing a need for psychological work which takes time and effort. Even when we are prepared for the death of a loved one we are seldom prepared for the changes that the loss makes in our everyday lives.

Grief is experienced by everyone but we are all unique and there may be major differences between grieving people, even between members of the same family. The intensity of our grief will be affected by many factors. There are some issues connected with particular deaths e.g. suicide, murder or miscarriages which present additional or special difficulties. Nevertheless, a common pattern runs through the grieving process, this pattern is usually described in terms of stages or phases. These stages very much tend to overlap and people move in and out of the various stages.

The first stage is shock or numbness combined with denial. Shock is particularly pronounced in the case of sudden death. Subtle forms of denial may last for a considerable time. It can be several months before the grieving person can finally acknowledge that he or she will never see their dead relative again in this life.

The second stage is a long and painful stage where the grieving person suffers episodes of severe anxiety and acute psychological pain. Grief affects us on all levels; mind, body, emotions and spirit. The list of normal grief reactions is extensive. Sadness is the dominant emotion, anger and guilt may be pronounced.

Mentally, people suffer from inability to concentrate and they behave in an absent-minded way. Physically too, bereaved people are off-balance. Common symptoms are fatigue, loss of appetite and insomnia. The third stage; as time passes the pain eases somewhat and there seems to follow a period of uncertainty, aimlessness and apathy. The characteristic emotion is depression.

Eventually, the bereaved person feels better able to face up to and deal with the problems and changes the loss has made to his everyday living.

The fourth stage is acceptance or recovery. The good days outbalance the bad, the sense of loss diminishes. We become more interested in the world around us and less preoccupied with thoughts of our dead loved one.

To work through and complete grief we need to face our feelings openly and honestly, express or release our feelings fully and tolerate or accept our feelings for however long it takes for the wound to heal.

Additional Information It is always helpful for bereaved people to talk about their feelings with someone who will listen in a caring and confidential manner. Some people are fortunate in having family and friends to help them through this difficult time. However, frequently those closest are unable to help.

EM

The Bereavement Counselling Service offers support and counselling to enable people to deal with their grief. The Bereavement Counselling Service may be contacted at Dublin Street, Baldoyle, Dublin 13, Monday to Friday 9.15a.m. to 1.00p.m. Tel: 01 8391766; e-mail: bereavement@eircom.net and website www.bereavementireland.org.